The Fellowship of the Moms
by Madam Pablova
Summary: (I guess its an AU) Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn's Moms appear and torture them with their Motherly ways. *laughs evilly*
1. And the Moms Appear!

Disclaimer: Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda but Don't Cant and Ain't ever gunna.  
  
Note: Yeah well this is like I dunno I guess after all the book (easier that way) and Boromir, (yeah he's dead but he's back so d-e-a-l!) Aragorn and Legolas all go camping but then their mom's appear (I don't care if they're dead) and embarrass their little boys. (I dunno names so Ill just call 'em their moms. I'll make corrections after I finish the 3rd book and the Silamrilion.)  
  
"Why do I always have to get the fire wood?" Boromir grumbled picking up some dry wood, which was hard to find after last night's rain. He was busy muttering that he almost didn't see the elderly lady sitting under a tree and muttering to a map.  
  
"Oh I'm sorry Madam, I didn't see you there." He said as he almost tripped over her.  
  
"I'm too young to be a Madam!" She said standing up rather quickly for her age and pinching his ear in between her thumb and forefinger.  
  
"Now have you seen my son?"  
  
"What does he look like?" Boromir gasped in pain, bending down so the elderly lady wouldn't be swinging from his ear.  
  
"He is the most handsome boy in all of middle-earth."  
  
"Uh… does he have a name?"  
  
"Aragorn is what I named him."  
  
Boromir gapped at the short, quick-witted lady who was his companion's mother.  
  
"He's in a clearing, I can take you to him."  
  
"March!" She bellowed, just like a general.  
  
So he led the way back into the clearing, slightly leaning because Aragorn's mother refused to let go of his ear and the weight of the wood wasn't much easier.  
  
"Aragorn there is someone here to see you!" Boromir called.  
  
Aragorn heard fear in Boromir's voice and drew his sword before coming around the bend of trees. There he saw Boromir hunched over beside a woman, who if Boromir was standing up straight would come up to his waist. She had a familiar look about the eyes and had a nose that resembled his own.  
  
"Aragorn I can see you, you never where all that great at hiding, how you ever became a Ranger, I'll never know, now come and give your Mumsies a big kiss." She barked yanking down on Boromir's ear.  
  
"Mamma?" Aragorn asked coming out.  
  
"Of course its me. Or have you forgotten?" She said beginning to lie on the guilt. "I have to come through these terrifying woods, and get wet in the rain and then be giving a heart attack by your friend here, and you don't even come and kiss your dear old mother?"  
  
"Your not old Mumsies, I'm sorry for what Boromir did to you come rest by the fire."  
  
"Boromir?" Aragorn's mother said her voice changed to a brisk-paced bark. "You're that brat always talking about ruling Gondor."  
  
"Er…That was so long ago Ms. Aragorn's-Charming-Mother."  
  
At this she blushed before turning to Aragorn. "Why don't you say kind things to your dear old Mum?"  
  
"I'm sorry Momma, here ill carry you to the fire."  
  
"It's a good thing you remembered my poor weak knees." She said gracefully springing onto Aragorn's back.  
  
Just then Legolas returned from filling up their water skins. "And who is this enchanting young woman?" He asked trying to compliment the woman who both Boromir and Aragorn seemed scared stiff of.  
  
"Look here Elf you just keep your eyes on the road if you catch my drift. I'm Aragorn's proud Momma." She said pinching her son's cheek.  
  
Legolas faltered, this was the last thing he'd expect her to say.  
  
"Sorry Mother." He said bowing his head, to Aragorn he said. "Oh I found someone in the woods, she'll be along shortly something about an album."  
  
Just then a woman about a head taller then Aragorn's mother came out carrying large leather bound book.  
  
"Mommy?" Boromir asked.  
  
"Bo-Bo!" The lady called affectionately.  
  
"You left my mother in the forest all alone?" He said advancing on Legolas.  
  
"She was carrying a Blade about as long as my own." He said in defence.  
  
"That's her butter knife! Orcs could have attacked my dear Mommy."  
  
"Bo-Bo come help me with my bags." She called.  
  
Boromir began to haul bag after bag out of the woods and into their camp. Soon Aragorn's mother ordered Aragorn to help and just had to glance at Legolas and soon all three of them were carrying the floral blue bags into the camp.  
  
During dinner:  
  
"Yes, and here is a picture of Bo-Bo and Fay-Fay in the tub together." Boromir's mother said pointing to a picture of Faramir and Boromir in a white tub with mud all over their faces and brown handprint all over the walls.  
  
"Precious! Aragorn used to hate baths and would wave his little tush in the air, it was the cutest thing you've ever seen, though he still appears not to bathe.."  
  
Aragorn and Boromir were sitting beside Legolas with their hands covering their faces.  
  
"What would the rest of the Fellowship think if they could see us now?" Boromir said.  
  
"It's not that bad." Legolas said secretly smirking.  
  
"Shut up, you are so lucky your mom isn't here."  
  
Just then! "Legolas! Legolas where are you? LEGOLAS!"  
  
"Oh no!" Legolas said as Aragorn and Boromir's heads shot up to see a lovely woman dressed in white with golden flowing hair, much like their companion's. She didn't look old but had an ora of wisdom and many generations seen. A silver light seemed to pulsate around her.  
  
Legolas immediately noticed the drool coming out of his friend's mouths.  
  
"She's my mom!" He reminded them.  
  
They both immediately turned their faces away but kept their eyes on the glowing figure.  
  
"Come to me my son." She said in a gentle voice.  
  
Legolas stood up and silently walked to his mother.  
  
"My son," She said caressing his cheek. Then she suddenly grabbed his cheeks and pushed his face tighter so his lips made that fish look. "Why haven't you written me in the last 200 years? Too important to send me a letter?"  
  
"Mom! You know it's been the guys and me. We just got back from our quest to destroy the One Ring and stop the Dark Lord."  
  
"Oh and I am so sure you couldn't find one moment to write me a short note about this? I had to find out from Elrond, while getting a lembas recipe."  
  
"Look I'm sorry Moth-"  
  
"Hello I'm Legolas' Mother." She said pushing her son away and extending a hand to Boromir's mother.  
  
"Boromir's mother but you can call him Bo-Bo."  
  
"And the one who is too high and mighty to take a bath is mine. I'm Aragorn's mother."  
  
"Pleasure to meet you two." She said sitting down beside the two.  
  
"Something tells me it's gunna be a long way back to Rivendell." Aragorn said to his two companions who were trying to block out the stories their mothers had begun to tell about their childhoods. 


	2. Secrets of the Sons!

Disclaimer: Well long, long ago far, far away from wherever Star Wars takes place I did own them but then I realized that having a piece of paper with their names on it doesn't count. But I do own Waldo, the Not-so-Grim Grim Reaper (but he isn't here he had to get all popular and go make his own movie! Hmph! Too good for me...I'll show him, Ill show them all!)  
  
Note: Boromir is back but you should be happy cause if he wasn't then there would be no Bo-Bo! Thanks for the names SpaceCowgirl.  
  
Legolas, Boromir and Aragorn woke up earlier then usual, probably worried about their mother's safety. But when they woke their mothers were still sitting where they had left them last night and the first sounds that met their ears were;  
  
"Yes, we were so proud when Legolas learnt to use the potty, I know 612 is a bit later then some but he rarely has an accident now."  
  
Legolas went pale and then pulled the edge of his bedroll over his head and ignored the sniggers he heard from the other two members of the fellowship.  
  
"For some reason that reminds me of Bo-Bo's obsesion with dresses. He used to wear his cousins' and mine and put on make up. It was quite an embarrassment when we were at Gondor's annual New Year celebration and he comes out with lipstick all over his face and has a dress and heels on, oh I think I have a picture."  
  
"Aww!"  
  
"Why me? Why me?" Bormir asked shaking his head.  
  
"You're lucky to even have your son wear clothes. My sweet little Aragorn used to hate to wear anything at all so one day were celebrating his father's birthday and in comes my son in nothing but a smile and hops up on my lap. Oh my you should have seen the guest's faces." At this all three women start laughing.  
  
"I am putting a stop to this now!" Aragorn grumbled.  
  
All three sons stood up and march over to their mothers.  
  
"Mummsie," Aragorn said his voice getting suddenly softer, "do you mind not telling these embarrassing stories?"  
  
"Come on Aragorn show a little spine." Boromir whispered from beside him.  
  
"Mother, I am a grown man, I'm the Heir of Gondor. So please don't tell these stories."  
  
"My poor heart," Gilraen said placing a hand on her chest. "It's getting tight. I cant breathe"  
  
"No, no Momma. It's all right. Shhhh don't worry I'll be good. See I like it when you tell stories about me." Aragorn said quickly putting on an obviously fake smile.  
  
"Oh, I'm so proud of you." She said patting his cheek with every word.  
  
"You're kind of pathetic you know that?" Legolas said shaking his head as his mother began telling everyone how Leoglas had a fear of trees for a while.  
  
"I bet this doesn't happen to Ėomer or Gimli." Boromir sighed, resting his chin in his hand.  
  
"Bo-Bo! Come eat!" His mother called pulling out some good china from one of her many bags.  
  
Some how from the small supply of food they had, there was a huge buffet- style breakfast.  
  
"Now eat it all up." She said.  
  
"Come on Cecil." Legolas' mother said walking into the woods.  
  
"Cecil?" Aragorn asked out loud.  
  
"Oh, Leoglas' actual name is Cecil, he wanted to change it because all the other Elves made fun of him." Gilraen explained. "His mother wishes for him to change it back."  
  
"Mother! I can't eat all this." Boromir tried to explain. "No one can."  
  
Finduilas looked if she was about to cry. "Your father and I are getting a divorce!" She wailed as she hugged him around the shoulders. "Please, understand after he tried to kill Fay-Fay in the tomb… it's been rough. I know being the Steward of Gondor is no easy task. But he just isn't fulfilling me sexually."  
  
"I think I'm going to be sick." Boromir said picturing his parents…  
  
"Bo-Bo, I know this might be hard on you, but I did send word to your old therapist you had when you discovered that Dust Bunnies weren't real."  
  
"Dust Bunnies?" Aragorn asked with raised eyebrows.  
  
"I was a kid."  
  
"I know but…they aren't real." He said looking at his mom. "Momma?"  
  
"Well dear, you had no friends and you were so cute playing with those hunks of dust. I didn't want to break your heart. Arwen was supposed to tell you."  
  
"I think I have a picture of one."  
  
"I think I need a walk." He said standing up and walking the same direction Leoglas and his mother had gone. He was just beginning to calm down and thought about going back when he saw the two elves sitting on bamboo mats, their legs twisted behind their heads, their hands placed together, in front of them, as though praying while slowly chanting.  
  
"…Delta, Echo, Foxtrot, Golf…"  
  
"What the?" He said quietly to himself.  
  
"Its an ancient Mirkwood Yoga technique." His companion's mother replied quietly not opening her eyes. "One of the best ways not to fantasize about dwarves."  
  
Aragorn looked at Legolas who was still chanting slowly, wondering about his friend's sanity. He was just about to slowly back away and then run away laughing when there was a loud scream from the clearing he had just left! 


	3. Legolas Suffers!

Disclaimer: Why don't I own them? That's what I'd like to know! *Looks around cynically*  
  
Note: Goodness I don't think I've blushed so much since last years LA final project! Thanks for the review! I never though Id get so many…guess pointlessness is entertaining…OH! And thanks for the suggestions. Without them this would just ramble on and on and just be about their mothers embarrassing them…okay so yeah that's what it is now but it would suck a lot more y'see?  
  
Aragorn sprinted to where he left Boromir, Findulias and his momma. He quickly put on a burst of speed at the thought of his mother in mortal peril. He broke through the clearing and saw Boromir frowning. Aragorn did a double take and saw Boromir was wearing little blue shorts, a with and blue stripped shirt and a navy vest with a little yellow duck on the chest pocket. He quickly realized it was a large version of a child's sailor outfit; compete with the little hat with blue ribbon and a little blue tie.  
  
"Who screamed?" Aragorn asked just before falling on the ground laughing.  
  
"Mom thought it was darling. She went to go paint it for her album." Boromir said through clenched teeth.  
  
"I'm going to ask for a copy." Aragorn gasped through tears.  
  
"I will hurt you." Boromir promised.  
  
The two elves came strolling back into the clearing with their mats rolled up and underneath Legolas' arms.  
  
"What took you so long?" Aragorn asked Legolas. "When you hear a scream you run."  
  
"I had to sprinkle rose petals for my mother to walk upon." Legolas sighed.  
  
"Why?" But before Legoals could answer there was a:  
  
"Cecil, I'm thirsty get me some water."  
  
When Legolas went to bring her his canteen she crinkled her nose and whined "Cecil, I want clean, fresh water. NOW!"  
  
"Yes mother." He squeaked before running off.  
  
When he returned she ordered him to get her pillows, for the ground was too hard. He quickly did her bidding and returned in an hour with a bunch of pillows made from animal hides stuffed with leaves and the softest moss.  
  
While Gilraen was showing Aragorn how to light a fire properly, he and Boromir, who was still being painted, watched Legolas become a snivelling servant to his mother. Much like Wormtongue was to Sarumon.  
  
"Legolas it's too hot, fan me!" The Queen of Mirkwood snapped.  
  
"Yes mother, right away mother." He said running into the forest and coming back out with a large fern's leaf.  
  
"If he keeps this up, he is going to drop dead from exhaustion." Aragorn muttered to Boromir, who was still posing, as he was forced to balance a bucket full of water on his head.  
  
"Would you defy your mother though?" Boromir said having to force himself to still smile like he was enjoying the torture of these clothes and the force of standing there, not moving.  
  
"Does it look like either of us could stand up to them?" Aragorn asked while taking two steps back and three left then six right.  
  
"Good point." Boromir agreed just as the bucket fell on Aragorn's head.  
  
"Even a small village child can do it Aragorn! You are king! How do you go though the woods silently if you cant even keep a bucket on your head?"  
  
"I'm sorry. I don't want to disappoint you. Let me try again." Aragorn pleaded.  
  
"Oh alright." She sighed as though she didn't want his to perfect this.  
  
"CECIL! THE TENT YOU BUILT FOR ME IT UGLY! I WANT PURPLE!" The female elf of the group cried.  
  
"Yes mother right away." Legolas said before gracefully sprinting off, in search of something purple to colour the tent with.  
  
After Legolas came back with about a thousand little purple petals from various plants and carefully attached them together and then placed them in both inside and outside of the tent.  
  
"Thank you Cecil, dear." His mother said before kissing him on the cheek.  
  
"You're welcome mother." Legolas sighed before wandering to his own bedroll.  
  
"Can we do the ring thing again?" Legolas pleaded. "I'll go back into, oh for crying out loud I'll live in them!"  
  
"Yeah your mom is… scary." Boromir finally said deciding on a word.  
  
"Why do you think I offered to go to Rivendell?"  
  
"Ah! I see."  
  
"Wouldn't even have lost the little stuttering freak if it wasn't for her need of monthly bandages."  
  
The other two men winced at the thought of having to ride to a store, face the merchant, and ask for them out loud, buy them and then ride back. They were lords for crying ou loud.  
  
"CECIL! You aren't the only elf here so stop acting like it."  
  
"Guess she heard you." Boromir muttered as he lied down.  
  
"Oh! Bo-Bo! Before I forget! Have you gotten your little wet dream problem handled?" Boromir's mother said, not even having the decency to whisper.  
  
"Yes mother…" Boromir said while trying to suffocate himself with his pillow. 


	4. Whining and Trying to Sleep!

Disclaimer: I don't own Lord of the Rings because I ain't some dead British Dude. And I dunno if I want to be.  
  
Note: A big "howdy hey hi-dea" to Koolsnowball for their great idea! (Hey look I'm a poet by choice but not by talent!) And I may need more ideas I think I have the next 2 chapters planned out but after that..things get hazy.should I stop after only.er.six? Six chapters? And if I'm gunna have other character's family members come (lots of requests for that) who? What's the relation? And I'd need some ideas for stories about them.like I dunno Gimli's first gemstone discovery.  
  
"There are too many trees! Do something Cecil!" Legolas' Mother cried out in the middle of the night, practically in tears.  
  
"Mother! You're an elf! We live in forests and we like trees!"  
  
"What did you say to me?"  
  
"Eep! Nothing."  
  
"Why don't all of you shut your pie hole!?"  
  
"Aragorn! Who taught you such filthy words?"  
  
Aragorn's response to his mother's question was a muttering about Hobbits and a Wizard or something.  
  
"Mother it's late. Why don't you get some sleep?" Legolas suggested.  
  
"I can take care of myself! You think I'm old! With age comes wisdom! You hate me!" She said frantically as she began to wail at the top of her lungs.  
  
Boromir turned to Legolas a growled quietly, "You shut her up or I will tell her about loosing that blasted Gollum."  
  
"Don't talk about my mother in such ungrateful tones!"  
  
"Don't you see? I'm not grateful! She hasn't done anything for me!"  
  
"Bo-Bo! Go back to bed!"  
  
After another few minutes of arguing amongst themselves and their Mother's finally threatening to spank them, Aragorn, Boromir and Legolas went to sleep.  
  
Early the next morning they shot up awake to an Orcish howl.  
  
"Quick men! Grab your weapons and let's go!" Aragorn said quickly taking charge. He went for Narsil, but a wrinkled hand stopped slapped his own larger ones painfully.  
  
"No Aragorn. I think not." His mother said sharply as she picked the sword up with great effort.  
  
"Mother what are you.? He said is a fierce whisper.  
  
"Aragorn. The last time I saw you with a sword you nearly shredded up the Duchess of Amorien's dress. Imagine having to leave our home while wearing that lovely gown with that gash going down the front. I was mortified. I'm just glad she wasn't in it at the time. Though why you were in her room is beyond me." Aragorn remembered the time easily; he was trying to kill that bloody little lap dog that bit his ankle. When he swung the sword, one from his father's armoury, he loosed his balance and cut open the dress. Then knocked over a lit candleholder into a trunk that held the rest of the Dutchess' clothing...that turned out to be quite flammable. Luckily for him at that moment a servant walked in to open the window and change the sheets on the bed.  
  
"Mother! I was seven! I think I can handle a sword now! Besides there are Orcs! What am I suppose to do? Sit here?"  
  
"Your little friends can go and stop it. I mean it's just one Orc."  
  
"Mother!" Aragorn whined rather childishly.  
  
"No! Now go to bed. You need a full eight hours."  
  
Legolas wasn't fairing much better.  
  
"Cecil! That growling is giving me a headache. Find me some Amberfern for my headache."  
  
"Mother. Amberfern only grows in the winter during Waxing Crescents and then only on mountains with an altitude of 10 000 feet."  
  
"So?"  
  
"So Mother," Legolas said as gently as possible while still having his eye twitch. "It's the middle of spring, there is a Waning Gibbous out, and the closest mountain is only 8 000 feet. Now I could just go over there and kill them and everything would be fine."  
  
"You don't love me!" She cried as she began sobbing into one of her newly made pillows.  
  
As Legolas, or Cecil comforts his mother Boromir was having just as much trouble.  
  
"Bo-Bo! Where are you going? What are you doing? Don't mind the noise it's probably a racoon."  
  
"It's an Orc."  
  
"Oh no! You are depressed about your father and I getting a divorce. You've made up monsters! I'll go send a letter to the therapist! You go to sleep!"  
  
Legolas soon joined the other two after finally using some Elf magic to cure his mother's headache and put her to sleep.  
  
The growling Orc's voice was joined by five more as far as Aragorn could tell as he lay back.  
  
"Mother can we please kill them?"  
  
"No."  
  
"But I'm sure Gimli's mom lets him kill Orcs!"  
  
"And if Gimli's mother let him dance the cha-cha in a feather boa with a wizard would you? No! Now go to sleep!" And with that she used the hilt of Narsil to knock them each out. 


End file.
